Transmuting Negative Emotions as a Path to Personal Peace

by Stephanie Brail

Negative emotions get a really bad rap these days. If we have a normal, every day sad emotion, we're pushed a pill to get rid of it. Or, we're told we must "think positively" or suffer dire consequences. (Some folks literally believe that if you think too much about an anvil falling on your head, an anvil will fall on your head.)

These two approaches - medicating the emotion away or denying the emotion - don't really do much to solve the underlying issue. They just mask and bury it.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture where we are not taught proper coping mechanisms to deal effectively with negative emotions. There is no "emotional coping mechanism" class in school. What happens, instead, is that people learn their own dysfunctional ways of handling emotions, often from parents. At worst, some folks turn to drugs, alcohol or food to handle emotions.

You can't stop negative emotions from happening, however. They are a part of life. They are your emotional radar system, an important warning device that lets you know something is wrong. Your negative emotion tells you - hey, maybe I need to leave this relationship, because this man is treating me in a way that destroys my soul. It tells you - hey, I'm not getting my needs met here. It tells you – hey, these are people I don't to be around, because their values are counter to my own.

On a deeper level, your emotions tell you what you need to heal inside of yourself. An emotion of self-hate is a signal that you need to spend some time learning self-love.

So what should you do when a negative emotion comes up? First off, know that emotions are nothing to fear. A negative emotion is simply an unpleasant sensation. Don't give it more power than it deserves by making it into some horrible event that must be avoided at all costs. Here are some steps to transmute and overcome your negative emotions:

1. When in the doldrums of a negative emotion, remind yourself first:

This shall pass.

The first and most important step in emotional management is stop overblowing the emotion and giving it more power over yourself than it needs to have. By reminding yourself "this will pass," you are stepping back from creating a negative mental feedback loop that will keep you stuck in the emotion longer than you need to be.

2. Listen to your emotion. Ask it:

What is it that you are trying to tell me?

You may notice that as you acknowledge your emotion and ask it what it has to say, it immediately begins to soften and lose the dire power it had before. It still feels yucky, but much more manageable.

At stage two, it's wonderful if you have a non-judgmental friend or support person who is available to provide a listening ear and is open to hearing you vent. Venting is completely underrated. If it's done properly, you will be able to release your emotion safely and maybe learn something as a result.

The most important thing is to avoid venting directly upon the subject of your anger. That's not venting - that's attacking. Healthy venting is simply talking to an objective, uninvolved person who can listen and acknowledge your pain.

Please choose your support friend wisely. Some people - especially certain new age people who have been trained to avoid negative emotions and thoughts at all costs - will make your situation worse by judging your feelings and telling you that you should not feel them or talk about them. You don't want to tell someone you are upset that your husband cheated on you, only to have them give you a lecture that you "created" his philandering with your negative thoughts. That's the last thing you need to hear at a time like that, and it will only pile guilt and self-recrimination on top of your feelings of anger and betrayal.

So it is vitally important to find a friend, a therapist, coach, or counselor who can listen fully and acknowledge how you feel. Simply by listening, they will help you to release the emotion and come up with your own answers to the underlying issue.

Physical activity can also be wonderful for acknowledging and releasing emotions. When you are angry, punch a pillow or go to kickboxing class. Take a long walk outside. You will feel better, and perhaps get a clearer head and be able to look at your situation more dispassionately.

3. Make any changes or shifts as guided.

For example, if your emotion is telling you that you don't have enough support in your life, create a plan to make new friends who are more supportive. If your emotion is telling you that you don't feel lovable, then resolve to work on ways to make yourself feel more lovable.

Once you get into the habit of listening to your negative emotions, you will see that they become wonderful opportunities for self-reflection. You can even look upon your time listening to your negative emotions as "meditation time." As you ponder and consider solutions to your negative feelings, you are shifting the energy and creating new space in your life for more positive things to enter.

You may also choose to express your emotions to the person who has stirred them up. You may be surprised to see how positively people can respond to clearing the air, even when done clumsily. Your friendships and relationships will often improve dramatically as a result of your honesty.

It is important, however, to go through and listen to your emotions first so you can discuss them as calmly as possible. It is when you don't acknowledge your emotions that you are likely to just "blow up" out of the blue and surprise your friend (and yourself) with your upset. Try to listen to your emotions first so you can communicate from a better place when the time is right.

4. One you have acknowledged the emotion, gently start to shift your feelings towards the positive.

Please note that it is important to listen to and acknowledge your emotion first before trying to shift your feelings. If you do not listen to your emotion, it is likely to rear its ugly head in nastier ways later on. So please do not skip the step of listening to your emotion!

Once you are ready to shift your emotion, find something to do that nurtures you and makes you happy. Small things are great. Maybe it's something as simple as watching a funny television show you like. Maybe it's spending time in your garden.

If you need to mourn something give yourself time to honor that which you are mourning. If a family member has died, then spend some time looking at old photographs or videos. Think fond memories of them. Feel the grief and let the tears flow. And then find an activity that honors your grief and your loved one, and do it. See it as a living meditation in action.

5. Be open to sitting with your emotion for a few days.

Sometimes, just by acknowledging your emotion and letting yourself feel it, it will resolve on its own. If your emotion does not begin to resolve on its own after a week or two, then you may need the help of a healer.

Please note that there is a difference between sitting with your emotion and wallowing in it or using it as a source of drama as you suck all the people around you into your black hole of self-pity. If you are unable to let something go, perhaps you are attached to the benefits the negativity provides you. It is in these cases that a professional can be particularly helpful.

Try using a hypnotherapist or energy healer because these methods work directly to remove the stuck energy that is causing the emotion to fester. Traditional psychotherapy can be counterproductive in that it causes you to focus again and again on the negativity. If you do choose to work with a therapist, find one that also uses techniques such as hypnosis, EFT, or "The Work," and/or comes from a "positive psychology" philosophy. For example, Logotherapy, developed by Viktor Frankl, is a method of psychotherapy that revolves around the meaning of life. Frankl was in a concentration camp and his psychology offers very deep and profound methods of dealing with pain, sorrow and disappointment.

You can also clear negative emotions out by yourself using self-healing methods such as EFT and The Work. Breathwork is also used by many as an effective means of clearing and releasing emotions. At its most simple form, all you need to do is sit and breathe in and out deeply and fully. It will calm you down.

Final Words

As you learn to manage your negative emotions, you will find your life becoming richer and deeper and less of a monotone. Sure, you will have your moments, but you will learn to accept them instead of repress them. You will come to see negative emotions as your friends and nothing to be fearful of. And you will find yourself paradoxically happier, more peaceful, and less negative as a result.